Rambled Mutterings of a Worried Mommy

I don't even know where to start. It takes me two hours to fall asleep at night because I have so much stuff on my mind. I feel like I've been in a free fall since we were first told that Kian has a bicuspid valve.

People have been so nice. A few women on boards and blogs have told me about loved ones (always men btw) with the same diagnosis. All have managed to live very healthy lives. (Thank you to everyone who has given me a hopeful story of someone with this heart defect--it helps me so much.) I'm hoping for the same result but I'm so frightened because there is nothing I can do to protect him. Except send him for this procedure and hope for the best.

The procedure is now on Tuesday July 3rd at 7:30 a.m. We have to be there at 6:00 a.m. to start the intake, prep Kian for the procedure and meet with the doctors. We'll be getting up at 3:00 a.m. to feed him because he can't have any breast milk for at least four hours before the procedure begins. I almost feel sorry for the nurses around him when he wakes up after the procedure. He is going to be enormously hungry after at least eight or nine hours with no food. I'm looking forward to his happy smile when he sees us after the procedure, but what I really think I'm going to see is the howling face of my boy screaming for food. Just so long as I see him awake, I suppose I really won't care.

Angie is acting out a bit lately. We haven't told her that I'm going to the hospital with Kian. We didn't want her fretting over it for too long. Chas's Mom will watch Angie while we are at the hospital. I love his Mom but I really don't want anyone around right now--I'm too tense. The reality is that someone has to watch her. If we used my Mom again, Angie would forever panic at being left with her because we had Mom watch Angie after the fire and during Kian's birth as well. Plus, I think Chas is worried he'll snap at Angie due to the stress he's feeling. I think he believes he'll behave better for his Mom.

I can explain the details of the procedure in a matter of fact way. I've done it several times this month. But when I stop and think of them performing it on my boy, I feel like I'm going to faint. When Angie was two months old, I felt bad getting her immunized for the first time. I thought that it was a lot to put a little person through when they don't understand what's happening. Now look what Kian will need to endure. Apparently, we won't be with him when they use the anesthesia. I feel awful that he's going to be in a room of strangers and he won't see any familiar faces before he goes under. I hope he doesn't feel abandoned.

I hope this procedure works for him. He is such a sweet little guy.