because I'm forgetful

Second Grade started this week--I finished Angie's supply bags just in time. But of course there are no pictures. Hubby made a snide comment (I hope they fit) and I cut him off by saying, Are you really talking like that about what I just spent my entire afternoon working on?" Then dear daughter saw them and started to say "I like them..." in that tone that indicates there may be a but lurking. I repeated what I said to her father minutes before.

She promptly said, "Oh no Mommy. I like them."

Sometimes gratitude is spontaneous. Sometimes gratitude is earned. Sometimes gratitude is learned. And sometimes gratitude just has to be enforced with a stern tone of voice.

Also, just in case anyone still reads my blog and recalls our discovery of Kian's heart condition shortly after his birth (here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here): We received great news from his last cardiology appointment! He has had no significant change since his procedure two years ago. This is a really good sign because babies with his problem usually require multiple procedures in a very short time. He has tripled his birth weight and we have only needed one procedure. The Doctor was actually a bit giddy--how often do you see a giddy specialist?

This does not mean that he is cured. She described it as, "He has a defect, but no disease." We will go to yearly monitoring and just watch for obvious signs of trouble. We can also expect something to happen when he is a teenager--the next big burst of growth.

For now, we are extraordinarily grateful and sometimes I just tear up when I watch him play with his sister.

I'm such a goofball I completely forgot to post (well didn't forget--life just got in the way). But I'm on a bit of a posting jag tonight so I thought I should tell you all. If you're still reading.

Thanks as always for the good thoughts and support.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly: The July 2009 edition

Cue Ennio Morricone.

The Good: We put an offer on our house. The seller has accepted but we are still waiting his bank needs to approve a short sale. Also, my brother married his fiance Tina Monday morning.

The Bad: Tina's battle against lymphoma ended Monday night.

The Ugly: The resulting sadness and stress has completely cut off any patience I once had and my parenting skills are at their worst in ages. At this point, I'm just hoping the kids have not been permanently emotionally scarred from my current mood.

Things I honestly thought I'd never hear myself say.....

"No! We are not signing up for 'Man Caves.'"

Really.

What a Day (or how I spent my winter vacation)

Just wanted to share a bit of good news with those of you still reading.

Last month was one of Kian's regular heart monitoring visits. Although I had hoped differently, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with being in a dark room with a stranger for an echocardiogram. Not even the Backyardigans could stop him from howling the minute the technician entered the room. Such behavior is typical of a 19 month old. Still, I had hoped he would be miraculously calm just so we could avoid a trip to the hospital for a sedated echo.

So today was the big day. I was up at roughly 3:30 a.m. to be certain Kian nursed one last time before 4:00 a.m. I had a quiet morning to myself while I got ready. We took Angie to an early morning play date with a Karate friend (I am everlastingly grateful to her mom for volunteering to help us with Angie) by 6:00 a.m. and Chas, Kian and I were at the hospital by 6:30 a.m. to go to the Pediatric Sedation Unit.

The Nurse gave us a brisk run down of what to expect then rubbed some numbing creme on Kian's hand and foot. The sedation used on Kian today is the same type used in war zones to treat then move the soldiers--it is really fast acting and gets out of the system quickly too. The best part was that we would be with Kian the entire time and he would remain in the same room throughout all stages of the procedure. She left to retrieve some toys which kept Kian reasonably amused but barely distracted from the numbing creme, which he tried to reach by lifting the band aid every so often. A Child Life Specialist came in to give us more details about what to expect. The Anesthesiologist arrived and told us to be prepared for certain physical reactions. ome parents can be disturbed by how quickly the child drops off so the hospital did a nice job of making us comfortable by having everyone who entered the room give us information that built upon what the previous person said. I'm sharing here so that I don't forget, and to inform any other parent in a similar situation who might happen to wander here.

Basically, we were told that once the drug went through the IV, Kian would lose consciousness in a matter of seconds. The child may cry and the pitch of his cry changes just before he completely loses consciousness. The sedative may burn so they also add lidocaine, which may or may not relieve the burning sensation. The sedation process takes approximately 30 seconds and he would truly be awake one second then asleep the very next. We were warned to becareful because the child may collapse in one direction and many unprepared parents have been cracked in the face with the full force of their sedated child's face. The child's eyes may remain open and there would be rapid eye movement whether the eyes were open, partially open or closed because the child is asleep. The child may also have some involuntary movements for a time. The Anesthesiologist and a special anesthesiology nurse would monitor Kian's blood oxygen levels, pulse and blood pressure throughout sedation. A towel would go under his shoulders to ensure that he was receiving maximum air and he would have oxygen tubes. We were told that once the IV was turned off, Kian would regain consciousness in about 15 minutes. As probably every parent before me, I said I'd like a little of that sedative to take home. The Nurse quipped back, "It will cost you."

Once the numbing creme took effect, nurses arrived to insert the IV needle. As you can imagine, Kian was not pleased with this, especially when they taped his hand to a cloth covered foam board. He did try to karate chop it off after they left and he pawed at it quite a bit. I gently and repeatedly brushed my hands over his chest and belly and that seemed to keep him calm.

At 8:00 a.m. the echo tech arrived and the Anesthesiologist returned for action. I held Kian as they prepared the sedative and added it to his IV. He screamed in pain and my mind checked off that this was probably due to the burning sensation. Chas came up behind me and enfolded me and Kian in his arms while giving me back support. Within seconds, the pitch of Kian's cry changed, the nurse said, "There we go" and Kian slumped down completely with his next breath and stopped crying.

I laid him down on the bed, eyes partially opened, and the tech started the echo. My hands never left Kian--I touched his head, his hair his shoulder. I made soothing noises when he briefly fussed in his sleep--mostly for my own sake I think, since I'm sure he couldn't hear me. It suddenly hit me that something might be wrong, although we had expected that this echo would just confirm that there had been no changes since the valvuloplasty.

The cardiologist arrived to review the images captured thus far. He asked for some additional images, and the tech said, "you want that even though it's not stenotic?" I wracked my brain to remember what that word meant, but I had been awake for six hours on very little sleep so I was starting to feel a bit woozy myself.

The Doctor finally indicated that there has been no change since July of last year. He said there is some slight leakage, but nothing dangerous. The heart has not thickened (that would be the stenosis issue duh) any more and the aorta is not blocked--actually, the doctor said that his (the doctor's) aorta was probably more significantly blocked as a healthy adult than Kian's aorta. Kian's blockage was identified in the echo at a 7 and the Doctor said they don't worry until it gets around 40. Also, what they thought was a slight hole between chambers last year (which no one told us about at the time-grrrr) has appeared to close. We saw the valve directly and were told (for what we both believe to be the first time), that Kian has the outlines of three flaps, but two of them fused together creating the bi-cuspid aortic valve.

Really, as exhausting as it was, the procedure was confirmation that Kian is doing well at this time, though we still need to monitor, we may not need to do so as intensively as we have been doing. Yay Kian and yay us.

They took Kian off the sedation and he woke up immediately, although he needed my arms to support him for a while. And he willingly rested on the pillow while we changed his diaper (a big difference from the olympic wrestling matches of recent diaper changes).

Kian played with the pedialyte and didn't really drink it. The Nurse said it was okay to breastfeed anyway, however, Kian, refreshed from his deep nap, was more in an exploring frame of mind. He finally nursed for a few minutes and we alerted the nurses that we were successful. He walked out of his room on his own, then I carried him down to the toy bin. He did not want the pelican, the spider, the bears or the duck. When I mentioned the Koala, he pointed at it and smiled, so Kian took home a mini gray koala beanie baby.

We went to a local bakery and ate a small breakfast (by now it was 10:00 a.m.) Chas had a cinnamon croissant, I had an oatmeal and raisin scone and Kian had a toasted wheat bagel. We all shared but Kian seemed most fond of the bagel and my scone (Excellent taste the boy has--those were my favorites too). He sat on the wide window ledge, rather than the highchair I had grabbed. Other than the hospital tags on his ankle, casual observers would have not guessed that he had just been released from the hospital having been sedated only an hour before. He was cheerful and curious and had a healthy appetite.

We retrieved Angie from her playdate and arrived home. Chas and I had a brief doze this afternoon and that helped refresh us. Kian has been a bit more clingy than usual, and a bit more moody, but he is mostly himself tonight. Hopefully, he will be completely normal again tomorrow. Kian was quite a trooper today and I'm so proud of both he and Angie. Angie lost her tooth tonight--she was already in bed, but I think she was still wobbling it. She got up and her dad finished the job--out came a lovely little tooth. I think there is still enough time for the tooth fairy to come here tonight.

Getting up so early and having so many medical people working on Kian has given a surreal cast to the day. It's strange to acknowledge, that in some ways, this is our normal, though it isn't really normal at all.

I am deeply grateful to everyone who helped us today. We are tremendously blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my family. For my girl, who is creative in so many ways, who tells me stories all the time and who is one of the great joys of my life. For my boy, who smiles and lights up my day. For my dear husband, who loves me, even though I drive him crazy.

I'm thankful for my friends.

I'm thankful that we are all in good health, or at least our version of good health.

I'm thankful for my health insurance and the job that pays most of the bills.

I'm thankful that I can laugh, even in times of great stress.

I'm thankful for my brain which holds treasured memories, care for today and some hope (and anxiety) for the future.

I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to be creative and stitch, even if I never finish things.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Oh dear, what have I done now????

Angie's class project is a quilt. The kids draw on squares, then it is assembled into a quilt and auctioned at a fund raiser for the school.

Guess who volunteered to assemble the quilt?

I was feeling pretty confident. But now I'm sort of panicking.

I can do this right? I can sew. I had quilted a queen size quilt twenty years ago.

I don't need to pick the theme, the Homeroom Mom is doing that.

I can do this? *Gulp* Right?

(Moral support would be most excellent and tremendously appreciated at this time.)

Just as a funny aside: When I told Chas I volunteered, he looked at me for moment then commented, "Well, it's coming out of your cross stitch time...."

Happy Sixth Birthday Beautiful Girl

Happy Birthday Angie.

You amaze and delight us, our wonderful child. Your baby brother just adores you. Stay kind and loving and happy.

You brighten our days.

Some Anxiety.

For the past six months, I've puttered along, trying to push the mommy worries aside and just enjoy the kids.

Time's up--Friday we face our next cardiology appointment. I don't have much hope that he will be calm during the ultrasound. So we may be going for a sedated ultrasound/ECG at a later date. Mommy dread commences.

He's so busy and eager and full of joy, I fall in love every time I see him. Tonight, he toddled away from me, looked over his shoulder, paused, giggled at me, toddled again, looked over his shoulder paused and giggled, repeated the process until he fell on the floor just as he was moving out of my sight. He is an amazing little guy.

I don't want to ever smother him or his sister with my worries--and oh my goodness how I worry. Sometimes I'm incredibly hacked off that my beautiful little guy will have to deal with this for his entire life. And sometimes I wonder if I'm to blame somehow--was I so stressed after the fire that I caused this malformation.

Maybe it's the dread/anticipation of the appointment that makes the anxiety so strong.

Here's hoping for a good report on Friday.

Happy Birthday Kian

Happy Birthday our beautiful little guy. You joined our little family one year ago and I am astounded and pleased and delighted and thrilled we made it through this crazy year together. Every moment since your birth has been incredibly precious to us.

You give us so much joy and love for such a small person. We are so lucky to have you. I love your big, cheery laugh when you are being tickled, or almost, very, nearly being tickled. I love you bright blue eyes that are radiant with love. I love the focus you give to a new toy or new discovery.

I love the way you knock down every tower I build, whether of soft blocks or Cheerios.

I love that you adore your big sister and always want to be where ever she is. She loves you too and calls you, "My baby boy."

I love the way you crawl when you are excited. I love the "OooooooOOOOoooooh" sound you make when you see something you like. I love that you like to cuddle with me.

I love, and am somewhat terrified, at your climbing skill. You delight us with nearly everything you do, although I will be grateful when you stop putting random things in your mouth.

You gave us a very big scare last year and I know that I will be worrying about you forever.

And as much as I am rambling here, there are not nearly enough words to describe how much we love you.

Stay well, stay happy our beloved boy.

Happy Anniversary

I love you so much and I'm so happy that with all the stress we face, we're facing it together.

I'm so good!

How evil are you?

I received that result even though I selected "lawyer"--amazing isn't it.

Thanks for the Birthday wishes. I had a nice day. Angie made me a card and drew a picture of me. Chas gave me the Heroes Season 1 on DVD and a Firefly graphic novel (see how well he knows me?) Kian gave me big smiles even though I had to take him to the nurse for a flu booster shot. And I received gift cards to Barnes and Noble and Amazon from my Mom and a good friend. We had salmon, salad, and rice for dinner and instead of cake (with all those milk proteins), I had a birthday soft pretzel (Beloved husband had a chocolate eclair in honor of my Birthday--golly that is so nice of him. I won't mention how long it is taking for him to eat the durn thing...).

A few posts ago, I asked whether I could stitch some freebies an give them to Angie's school to sell at their fundraising craft fair. Faye wisely suggested I contact the designer. The only problem is that the designs I want to stitch for the school are from this site. My French speaking and writing skills are no longer merely rusty, they are unintelligible. (And my French grammar books are lost somewhere between last year's flood and last year's house fire). I have no idea how to compose an e-mail in French explaining the situation and requesting permission to sell the stitched designs at the craft fair. I shudder to think what babelfish might do to such a request. Anyone know french well enough to help me write an e-mail?

If you haven't done so before, you really ought to peruse her site. The pickmachinchoses are incredible--I'm itching to stitch several of them for Angie. I think the kids at her school would just love them. Even if I can't get an e-mail posted in time for the holiday craft fair, I'll still try to obtain permission for the spring festival.

I was unable to finish Midi today. I need to frog some beads --I made a switcheroo that didn't work so I'll go back to the original beads. I have to finish a little more than half the sheaf stitches and all but one jessica window then only the beads remain. If I had to guess, I'd say that I'm under ten hours to completion. I can't wait to show her to you. I tried to take a few photos at work, but I don't have time to upload them tonight.

We are heading to PA to see my in-laws tomorrow and I will probably pack Midi for the trip, but I might not have a chance to stitch her. Beading really only works well at home or on my lunch hour.

I'm also packing Taj for the trip and I'm hoping to finish part 1--so please join me Janet (and anyone else)! I'm only a little farther along than the photos here. I think you can see the square shape. WG will go with me as well. Perhaps, JG and maybe Autumn for a start in the car. Maybe Tree of Hope as well. Do you see why I am having a Chatelaine SAL at the BB?

I won't have much time to post this week so I hope everyone has a wonderful week and a lovely Thanksgiving.

Stitching Blurbs

I've had some bouts of frogging lately, but I've still stitched a bit on a few things.

I beaded Amethyst Mystery--quick and fun. I'm pleased with the substitutes (yes plural--I used two different delicas) Now I only need the right crystals to complete it. If I order them soon, I might receive them in time to finish it this month.

Last night I finished the Rose bookmark--scan to come soon. So that is my 18th finish in the Challenge and my UFO project from the monthly goals. I am mostly pleased with it, but I pulled the wrong thread as I finished it so I need to fix it.

I also stitched a bit on Japanese Garden. It's going to take a very long time to finish even one crane medallion. Or at least that is how it feels to me.

I stitched a bit on my HAED SAL Challenge project during the SAL last weekend, but not much. See:

There is a bit more done since last SAL, but it definitely isn't my best effort this month.

I've finished the herb names on the left side of Midi 1. I tried to work on some of the flowers, but that is where the frogs appeared so I didn't get far. I might be able to finish Midi this month if I focus on her for the rest of the month. I would really love a big finish, but I'm not sure my short attention span stitching style will allow me to focus on one thing for two weeks. Anyone want to try and motivate me with words of encouragement?

I've picked out my ornie for next weekend. hopefully I'll manage to finish it too as it is one of my more challenging ornies. I've stitched at least one ornie each SAL and I'd hate to miss one this late in the year. Of course, if it means I finish Midi, I guess I won't mind.

In other news, Kian is six months old today! He is fussing on my lap at the moment, but I'm just thrilled to have my big, beautiful boy. (Now if only that darn tooth would pop through!)

Last Day in Paradise

Tomorrow I return to work. I'll be jumping in deep straight away with a trial and a few other hearings. I'm not looking forward to seeing how things were scheduled in my absence.

Even with all the stress, I've loved being home with the kids ad Chas. I know I'll cry a little tomorrow though I know Kian will be fine with his Daddy.

I wish that I could be the one to stay home with the kids. I miss so much just seeing them for a few hours each day.

I hope the kids understand someday that I had to return to work. I hope they feel close to me and they don't feel abandoned. I don't want to be an outsider to my kids the way my Dad was when we were growing up.

Sigh. This is one of the parts of growing up that really stinks. Financially, I can't do what I really want to do. I must be responsible and go back to a job that I do love; I just don't love it nearly as much as my family.

The Unbearable Cuteness of Being

Happy Birthday Hubby

I love you so much.

Double 13

So on this sunny Friday the 13th, Kian has cracked the 13 pound barrier. (On three different scales over the course of a week and a half Kian registered around 12 and a half pounds.)

The Cardiologist is pleased. He'll never be 100% but he is almost back to sounding as he did before the stenosis developed. One foot is colder than the other, but since she can feel the pulse in that leg, she isn't too worried.

She does think that the stenosis is likely to recur though. The cardiologist at the hospital suggested that Kian might be one of the kids who never needs another procedure performed. His regular cardiologist thinks that it could recur in the next few months, but possibly the next few years.

But for today, we'll take the good news that he is doing well.

We have another appointment in August so keep your fingers crossed that the stenosis stays away.

The very short (somewhat sleepy) version

We're home.

The procedure went well.

The Doctor is very hopeful about the outcome.

I'm exhausted--not much sleep in the hospital for me and Kian.

I'll post more later when I'm not so achingly tired.

Thanks to everyone for the love, support, good thoughts and prayers.

Strees. Stress. Stress.

I think I am in full fear mode now.

I may be holding my breathe for the next 48 hours (or years).

Rambled Mutterings of a Worried Mommy

I don't even know where to start. It takes me two hours to fall asleep at night because I have so much stuff on my mind. I feel like I've been in a free fall since we were first told that Kian has a bicuspid valve.

People have been so nice. A few women on boards and blogs have told me about loved ones (always men btw) with the same diagnosis. All have managed to live very healthy lives. (Thank you to everyone who has given me a hopeful story of someone with this heart defect--it helps me so much.) I'm hoping for the same result but I'm so frightened because there is nothing I can do to protect him. Except send him for this procedure and hope for the best.

The procedure is now on Tuesday July 3rd at 7:30 a.m. We have to be there at 6:00 a.m. to start the intake, prep Kian for the procedure and meet with the doctors. We'll be getting up at 3:00 a.m. to feed him because he can't have any breast milk for at least four hours before the procedure begins. I almost feel sorry for the nurses around him when he wakes up after the procedure. He is going to be enormously hungry after at least eight or nine hours with no food. I'm looking forward to his happy smile when he sees us after the procedure, but what I really think I'm going to see is the howling face of my boy screaming for food. Just so long as I see him awake, I suppose I really won't care.

Angie is acting out a bit lately. We haven't told her that I'm going to the hospital with Kian. We didn't want her fretting over it for too long. Chas's Mom will watch Angie while we are at the hospital. I love his Mom but I really don't want anyone around right now--I'm too tense. The reality is that someone has to watch her. If we used my Mom again, Angie would forever panic at being left with her because we had Mom watch Angie after the fire and during Kian's birth as well. Plus, I think Chas is worried he'll snap at Angie due to the stress he's feeling. I think he believes he'll behave better for his Mom.

I can explain the details of the procedure in a matter of fact way. I've done it several times this month. But when I stop and think of them performing it on my boy, I feel like I'm going to faint. When Angie was two months old, I felt bad getting her immunized for the first time. I thought that it was a lot to put a little person through when they don't understand what's happening. Now look what Kian will need to endure. Apparently, we won't be with him when they use the anesthesia. I feel awful that he's going to be in a room of strangers and he won't see any familiar faces before he goes under. I hope he doesn't feel abandoned.

I hope this procedure works for him. He is such a sweet little guy.

Just Enjoying It

As is typical of the days preceding the descent (ascent? I suppose that depends on whether you use sea level or latitude to measure) of relatives and friends, we are scurrying to clean our home. The mad dash to tidy. The fevered passes with the vacuum and swiffers. The desperate planting of flowers (some of which have been patiently waiting to be planted for a month). The cathartic hosing of the house's exterior to remove the lake fly infested spider webs.

Angie's birthday party will be this weekend and we are trying to appear more orderly than we actually are. Not that we fool anyone--they know us after all. Still, we feel the need to present a clean home. We're funny that way.

So Chas took Angie to Gymboree earlier. As he was leaving, he asked what I would do to entertain myself while they were out--go for a walk, drive the car (now that my doctor has cleared me for everything), etc.

What have I done?

I've been sitting at the computer whilst snuggling our beloved son who has been napping on me for two hours. He started on my shoulder and has worked his way into a cozy little bundle on my lap.

I'm just enjoying it.